I lie in bed and my head always tinkers with ideas, thoughts, ramblings of past, present and future. Yes, I should be sleeping. Yes, I should be thinking. It is the only gust moving through me lately as I ponder how to cross all my I's and dot all my T's moving into 2013.
My newest one being worriment of my mom who is in Florida. I am an only child. She was an only child. Back in the day when my grandparents were alive and I was younger, the ladder to the top of the age chain had me on the bottom. Now that both grandparents are gone I have moved up a notch.
My mom took care of my grandmother when my grandfather passed. I admired that about her, though I never paid much attention to how that would all work someday. Well, someday is here and when I talk to mom she repeats herself at times. Maybe that's because as we try to institute positive conversation in reality there isn't much to say. My circumstances at the moment are stagnant as are hers. I haven't seen her in a year. I wonder, will I know God forbid if her mind starts to go? How would I ? I'm not with her often enough.
As bleak as this sounds when my grandmother began descending into a Xanax haze my mom intervened. I decided I would share this with my mom today, as reassurance of the fact now our lines of communication are open and I want it to stay that way. I opened with "I have a question for you and do not take offense." I told her how I worry about being the middle chain rung and as an only child it's my job to pay attention to her care.
I admit, I always and still do think my mom is invincible. She tells me her friend would tell me. I say " How, does she have my number?"
My mom says don't worry, I'm not anywhere near there yet. And then I think to myself I am sure no aging parent ever thinks they are there. My grandmother hid her bank book from my mom simply because she thought to the end of living alone she was fine and in her full faculties. She lost the bank book and when we moved her to live with my mom and dad there it was on the floor under the bed. Do I worry about this because what if she left all her money to the mailman?
No, I worry because suddenly without a warning I became an adult worrying that I am preparing myself to be the top rung. That is the scariest thought in the world to me. I, though almost 48, never imagined no one would be there to guide me, direct me, not be in my corner. It is frightening to know without warning it will happen. I see my mom in a new light now. Though her sharp tongue can still cut me open, I see that said in a direct strong tone I now have the ability to let her know she is not always right. And some things need to not be said in response to hurting my feelings or others she has in the past. Today I was blessed with this knowledge. This new aura of responsibility to myself and my mom. I am glad I took the time to nurture her feelings that I love and care for her.
And that my friends is a huge step for me. I am proud of myself today. I encourage love at all costs. I encourage communication as the foundation to any misplaced feelings of past or present. And most of all I encourage my growth, day by day. One baby step at a time. And that's an amazing feeling.
