GROWING PAINS OF AN ONLY CHILD

I lie in bed and my head always tinkers with ideas, thoughts, ramblings of past, present and future. Yes, I should be sleeping. Yes, I should be thinking. It is the only gust moving through me lately as I ponder how to cross all my I's and dot all my T's moving into 2013.
My newest one being worriment of my mom who is in Florida. I am an only child. She was an only child. Back in the day when my grandparents were alive and I was younger, the ladder to the top of the age chain had me on the bottom. Now that both grandparents are gone I have moved up a notch.
My mom took care of my grandmother when my grandfather passed. I admired that about her, though I never paid much attention to how that would all work someday. Well, someday is here and when I talk to mom she repeats herself at times. Maybe that's because as we try to institute positive conversation in reality there isn't much to say. My circumstances at the moment are stagnant as are hers. I haven't seen her in a year. I wonder, will I know God forbid if her mind starts to go? How would I ? I'm not with her often enough.
As bleak as this sounds when my grandmother began descending into a Xanax haze my mom intervened. I decided I would share this with my mom today, as reassurance of the fact now our lines of communication are open and I want it to stay that way. I opened with "I have a question for you and do not take offense." I told her how I worry about being the middle chain rung and as an only child it's my job to pay attention to her care.
I admit, I always and still do think my mom is invincible. She tells me her friend would tell me. I say " How, does she have my number?"
My mom says don't worry, I'm not anywhere near there yet. And then I think to myself I am sure no aging parent ever thinks they are there. My grandmother hid her bank book from my mom simply because she thought to the end of living alone she was fine and in her full faculties. She lost the bank book and when we moved her to live with my mom and dad there it was on the floor under the bed. Do I worry about this because what if she left all her money to the mailman?
No, I worry because suddenly without a warning I became an adult worrying that I am preparing myself to be the top rung. That is the scariest thought in the world to me. I, though almost 48, never imagined no one would be there to guide me, direct me, not be in my corner. It is frightening to know without warning it will happen. I see my mom in a new light now. Though her sharp tongue can still cut me open, I see that said in a direct strong tone I now have the ability to let her know she is not always right. And some things need to not be said in response to hurting my feelings or others she has in the past. Today I was blessed with this knowledge. This new aura of responsibility to myself and my mom. I am glad I took the time to nurture her feelings that I love and care for her.
And that my friends is a huge step for me. I am proud of myself today. I encourage love at all costs. I encourage communication as the foundation to any misplaced feelings of past or present. And most of all I encourage my growth, day by day. One baby step at a time. And that's an amazing feeling.

goldeloxrox: Just People

goldeloxrox: Just People

Just People

** As I listened to James Taylor sing and witness Obama & Bush and their spouses stand in unison I am reminded that maybe we all are just people. We have different views, we have different color skin, we have different ways of sharing the same stories but we all have a voice. Some are loud, some are quiet. Some are in power and can be heard loud and strong. Some are just on the side lines. We are all just people. Living in America. Living Free. In the end I believe we all stand for the right reasons even if it sometimes comes across the wrong way. Today and everyday we are all just people. **

Louie, Louie, Louie

Last week I took Skyler to his new schools open house. Since becoming a single mom I have gained quite a bit of weight. I refuse to buy new clothes because i haven't the money and I keep hoping I will finally loose this fluffiness as it is called in 2011. I was dressed in sweats which back in the day would be considered floods, and a Ed Hardy tank. I looked like a Suma wrestler big bad mama biker chick. Now mind you when I was married I had my big beautiful ring. I still have my Louis Vittons but I was thinner and felt worthy of these things. Strange, I know. That's how I roll. The moment we walked into the school I felt like garbage. Yes, garbage. Most of the mommies were dressed nicely, and had the Louies and the jewerly and some looked like they stepped out of the Housewives Of Kings Park, LI. I was there once. I am not now. Why in the world should this bother me? Worse yet, is it or will it be a reflection on Skyler that he's not wearing Polo or Abecrombie? I know in my head the logic but yet put in the situation feel so out of place. My saving grace atleast at Skylers past elementary school was that there were other mommies like me. Chubby, tattoed, not so perfect looking. I hadn't seen one at the open house. And yes, there are more important things to worry about like world hunger and peace. Of course for me my only question is why the heck to me do Louis Vitton and chubby not go hand in hand?

CAN I HELP YOU HELP ME?

Addictive behaviors and destructive actions have ruled my life from childhood right up until this day. Being that they are addictive and destructive, they have addicted me and destroyed me. Until now.
As I begin to rise above my demons, I feel extremely passionate about embarking on a journey of self discovery for myself..and in the process, to help others combat addictive behavior.
Some of us who struggle with addictive behaviors are in our own private hell. Most who have not been there cannot fathom the plight of the mortal souls who are brought to their knees by these addictions. We are percieved as broken and "no good" and have sheer emptiness inside.
Most don't understand that you crave the substance, whether it be food, drugs, alcohol or any other thing, but that doesn't mean you don't love your family.
If we had a choice, of course we would all choose love over addiction to a thing like drugs or alcohol. But it isn't a choice for those of us who have fallen by the wayside. A lot of us, however, confuse love on so many levels with our beliefs due to how we were raised and have internalized that.
I can get stuck, on my worst days, and look in the mirror and see a monster.
The person who views me may see my beauty on the outside for me I am learning that beauty comes from within.
I am fortunate that I have recently decided to surround myself with positive people. Because of that, positive energy flows to me and I can take baby steps to slowly learn to like myself.
Once I did that, I did not need the food, the drugs or the alcohol to give me what I need. I got those things from the people who now give me what I need. I am not perfect and I still screw up from time to time, but because of the friends I now have I am able to keep going and make my life work.
Every day is a battle, but I am now winning the battle.
So I say: Can you help me? The answer is: You already have...

Can I help you help me?

I feel extremely passionate about embarking on a discovery of myself and in turn to help others combat addictive behaviors in the way of Alcohol and Substance abuse. Some of us who struggle so vehemently with addictive behaviors are in their own private hell. One can not phathom the plight of a mortal soul who is brought to their knees on instances based on their belief they are no good or broken or their  sheer emptiness inside. You may crave the substance whether it be food, drug or alcohol and still love your family. If it was simply a matter of choice of course we would opt for love however some of us fell by the wayside and confuse love on so many levels with our beliefs of who we are mostly due to our parents perhaps only knowing what them themselves saw as children. I can get stuck in my head on the worst of days and look in the mirror and see a monster. The person who sees me may see my beauty on the inside but for me I am myself learning that beauty comes from within and I am fortunate that only recently I have decided to surround myself with only postive people with which then positive energy flows and I can take baby steps to slowly learn to like myself and not ever need anything more than love from within to create my pefect universe that I someday will reap the benefits from. So I say can I help you help me? And the answer is you already have.

Far from the Apple Tree

Going from 0-10 in less than an hour is amazing. In search of work as a newly single parent I above all have rent to pay to keep that roof over our heads. I was working at an alarm company for a few months and enjoying the newly taught skills I had aquired. Unfortuately the company become slow and there were no hours for me to work. Ofcourse this set me in a tizzy as my rent was due on June 1st. I finally had my resume printed and thanks to the help of a facebook Canadian friend I never met and my 10 year old son Skyler we cut, copied and pasted my resume to I was free to answer all and every Email that I was suited for in the workforce. First up today was a job at "The Shack" in Centerport. A roadside burger, shrimp, beer joint that is seasonal and in need of counter girls. I put my best foot foward and put my gift of gab into motion as I spoke the manager. She told me to come in and give it a try on Saturday night. I walked away like I won the lotto. So excited at the prospect of this possible new job that would incorporate two things I am most wonderful at: Gabbing and being super duper busy on overload with no time to stop and think. Next up a job interview at 4:00 pm for a publishing company that would be full time in sales. I had to bring Skyler with me and bribe him with the usage of my Iphone with unlimited Angry Birds while I interviewed. I met with the Sales Manager and after the usual Q & A session he offered me to come in on Monday and train for 3 weeks with the hopes we like each other and I go on to Sale their product to 100% satisfaction. Again, walking away this time with Skyler like I won an all expensive paid vacation to Hawaii for myself and 2 friends. I was ecstatic to come home and tell my landlord that she would have the rent and at the same time so thrilled to again have the chance to be the shining star I am meant to be. After speaking to my landlord I came inside with Skyler to cook dinner and sit down to a nice glass of wine whilst thinking about the new endeavors I am to be embarking on when the phone rang and on the other end was a gentleman who received my resume and wanted to meet with me for his open position. I made an appointment for tomorrow afternoon and then practically did a Tom Cruise on my couch while Skyler looked at me with wonderment and then hugged me and said "I love you" you're a great mom and I kissed him back and said "I love you more than anything in the whole world. At this moment life is filled with infinite possibilties and the universe is singing my song.